


A Little Too Late

by ErenCollins



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: A Little Too Late AU, ALTL AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Grief, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Tags to be added, Theyre all emotional messes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:49:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25683064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErenCollins/pseuds/ErenCollins
Summary: If only Leo had gotten there earlier, maybe he could’ve saved Donnie.But he didn’t.(Takes place after the events of Many Unhappy Returns but with a twist)
Relationships: Leo & Raph, Mikey & Raph
Comments: 16
Kudos: 51





	1. Healing

**Author's Note:**

> Swigity Swangst  
> I’m comin with dat angst. 
> 
> (This is an incomplete work!! I just forgot how to set it that way)
> 
> I haven’t written anything in awhile so hopefully this is alright! I’ll probably be super inconsistent with my updates on this fic but there’s more information on my tumblr about what’s in store if you’d like to know and ask me questions!
> 
> (Tumblr: ec-makes-stuff)

Six days since they saved New York. Six days since they captured the Shredder. Six days since Donnie died. 

The lair was quieter than it had ever been, the skateboard ramp empty, the garage door shut, and the lab abandoned. It hurt too much for anyone to go near the gadget-filled room. The lights stayed on inside and the various whirs of fans slowly died out one by one, since no one was there to plug them back in or continue working on them. No one could bring themselves to do so. The silence would be a defeating reminder.

Slowly passing by the room, Raph stopped in front of it. He didn't even need to look at the room. Memories of going in there to drag Donnie into eating dinner and then coming back later to scold him into going to bed had engraved every inch of the lab into Raph's mind. 

The workstation, always so crowded and covered in various notes and blueprints, still had pencil shavings scattered across the left side of the desk. Donnie would be so busy with hanging up his ideas on the corkboard and stuffing papers into notebooks, that he didn't dump out the pencil sharpener, leading it to overflow.

On the other side of the room there was another workspace, metal and tech thrown into semi-organised boxes that they had scavenged from the dumpsters of computer stores every other Saturday. When _was_ the last time Raph went with Donnie to do that? He didn’t remember. He couldn't remember a lot of things lately, his mind sluggish to process this new reality. 

Shelldon was lying on his charging station in the back of the room next to the wall of battle shells and weapons. Shelldon hadn’t been up much since he heard the news, sitting there completely still like a normal machine, the purple theme the only thing that connected him to Donnie. No one knew whether he would get back up or if he would just die out. Donnie was the only one who knew how to take care of him. So he just sits there, gathering dust with all the other inventions and ideas would never come to fruition. Until one of them decides to clean it out. That might be years from now. 

Raph kept walking. If he stood there any longer, he just might break down and no one needed that, tears already starting to sting his eyes. He arrived at Leo’s door and knocked twice softly.

“Leo!” He said, tongue heavy as he tried to sound positive. “I brought you some dinner! It’s not pizza, but I thought you might like some soup. It has star-shaped carrots, you know, like the ones from that soup that Dad fed us when we got sick? I couldn't find any of that brand, but I hope my cooking is good enough.” 

No response. Raph bit his lip anxiously.

“Uh, I’ll just- I’ll just leave it out here.” Raph placed the tray down gingerly before standing back up, rocking forward once on the balls of his feet in hopes to hear a reply. Hell, he’d take grumble or even a clatter just to know that Leo was still in there. Well, the trays have been put back out with some of the food gone, so at least Raph knows that Leo’s been eating. “If you need me, I’ll be in my room after I’ve gone to Mikey’s.” 

Raph turned, sighing into his hand and rubbing his face slowly, and began the walk over to Mikey’s room.

He stopped when he heard a door click and the slight creak of the hinges rang throughout the hall. The spoon on the tray clattered slightly as it was picked up.

“Thanks Raph.” Leo’s voice whispered, a slight waver in his words and a few of the consonants replaced by a quiet crack from his throat.

The door closed with little sound, the click of the latch ending their ‘conversation’.

Raph turned back, taking a shaky breath at the sight of an empty hallway and he smiled gently.

Maybe things were getting a little bit better. 

Now to check on Mikey. 

The sudden sound of knocking startled the box turtle from his propped up position with various stuffed animals and pillows on his bed. 

“Hey, Mikey.” It was Raph, his voice muffled by the graffitied door that led into Mikey’s room. “I brought some food for you! I’m gonna come in, alright?”

Mikey cleared his throat before responding with a small, “Okay.”

The yarn-covered handle turned and Raph walked in, smiling as he closed the door behind him. 

“I made some soup for you,” He lifted the tray as a sort of gesture to it. “I got the thicker noodles at the Thai place you like. Well, April did. I just put it in with the other ingredients.” Raph chuckled lightly before carefully placing the tray into Mikey’s lap. “I have to change your bandages after this, but don’t feel pressured to eat faster, okay? I can wait.” 

“M’kay, thanks.” Mikey mumbled.

Raph paused, clasping his hands together for a moment before turning to leave, closing the door gently. 

Mikey looked down at the soup. It smelled good, like ramen almost. No, exactly like ramen. Raph probably used a flavor packet since they didn’t normally have any broth in the kitchen and Raph didn’t know how to make broth. Mikey reached for the spoon and missed. 

He clicked his tongue in slight frustration and tilted his head for a better look, reaching again. He grabbed the spoon this time, dipped it into the bowl, and brought a small amount of broth to his mouth. 

Yeah, definitely ramen. 

He looked down at the soup, stirring it slowly and seeing noodles, celery, and star-shaped carrots float up and back down in the miniature whirlpool he created. He scooped up a spoonful of broth and carrots (Raph forgot to cut the noodles so they were too long to be scooped up), and took a bite. It was good and warm, and it felt nice in his mouth, the heat seeping into his chest as he swallowed. 

He had turned down the thermostat in his room, wanting to just sleep, to hibernate, but he knew Raph would get worried. He didn’t want him to worry more. Mikey was fine. Well, sort of. 

He reached up to his shoulder, and grazed his hand across the wraps. His plastron was throbbing with a dull pain that he had gotten used to over the past six days.

Running his finger across the edge of the bandage, he reached his shell and inhaled sharply when he pressed down on the area where a whole inch had been torn off. 

_That’s mystical energy for you._

Mikey didn’t know if it would heal and didn’t care. 

As if on queue, a sharp pain sparked across the left side of his skull and he grimaced, nearly grabbing his face in his hands. He really needed to stop touching his wounds. He couldn’t even see them that well with his left eye covered in rolls of gauze, the cotton firmly pressed up against his face with medical tape. He let his hand fall back to his side, and stared blankly down at the soup in front of him. 

He deserved this. He deserved all of this. 

He caused all of this, all because he was stupid. So, so stupid. It’s his fault Donnie died. It’s his fault Raph was worried. It’s his fault that Leo won’t come out of his room. It’s all his fault. 

It’s his fault. Over and over again, those words chanted in his head, getting louder to the point it was deafening.

_its your fault. its your fault, its your fault, Its your fault, iTs your fault, ItS your fault, iTs Your fault, ITs yOUr fault, itS YoUR fAult, ITs yOuR FAuLt, iTS YouR faULT, ITS yOUR faULt, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS YOUR FAULT, ITS_

Mikey suddenly heard the clatter of metal and the crash of ceramic. He looked over to the side of his bed, the tray halfway across the room and pieces of white clay littered the area along with the soup. He didn’t even notice that he had flung it over. He cursed under his breath bitterly and dug his palm into his right eye, finding tears. 

“Mikey!” Footsteps pounded across the hall and his door flung open, Raph standing there with wide, worried eyes. “Are you alright? What happened?” 

Mikey didn’t look up. Silence hung in the air as Raph observed the scene. After what felt like hours, Raph chuckled to break the awkward silence and walked over to the mess. 

“Was my soup really that bad?” Mikey pulled his hand away from his face and turned to look at Raph crouching down, picking up the pieces of the bowl to put them in his hands. “I’ll make sure to buy the store kind next time.”

“No, no,” Mikey said, waving his hand in disagreement. “It’s not that. The soup was actually really good. I just,” he stopped and looked down at his hands. “I just… I don’t know.” 

Raph placed the shards of clay onto the tray, standing up and pulling a chair up to Mikey’s bedside. 

“Do… you wanna talk? I might not be the best listener, but I’ll try.” Raph’s words were hesitant, like he was trying to walk through a minefield, or around a shattered bowl. 

The caution and care in his tone made Mikey’s throat tighten painfully and he swallowed it down, just barely. He thought he would be able to speak calmly but the tears he had been holding in began to prick the corners of his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Raph.” He choked out, looking away in shame.

“What? What are-”

“It’s my fault!” Mikey said, a loud sob erupting from his throat. “It’s all my fault, Raph. I was stupid! So. Fuckin. Stupid.” He was crying hard now, his left eye stinging like crazy with his torn eyelid, but he ignored it. All the emotions were starting to release and released violently. “Donnie died because I was- I was being a fuckin idiot!” Mikey’s sheets were bunched up into his fists as he pounded them on his knees, like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Except a toddler didn’t think about his dead brother’s face, the face of pure shock and terror as a claw sunk into his back. “I was careless and left myself open and because of that, Donnie- Donnie!” Mikey’s sobs grew quiet for a second as he opened his eye and looked over at Raph. 

“It’s my fault, Raph. I deserve this.” 

Raph sat there in stunned silence, staring as his brother hiccupped and choked on his stifled cries, before leaning forward to wrap Mikey in a careful hug. Mikey stiffened at this gesture before quickly relaxing into the hold, letting his head lean forward onto Raph’s plastron. 

“No, it’s not Mikey. You shouldn’t take a blame that isn’t yours.” 

That’s all it took to make Mikey’s emotions break like a dam, waves of anger and sadness coursing through him, creating rapids with his tears. He clung to Raph as he loudly sobbed, his wails echoing throughout the lair, drowning out the gentle whispers and shushes from Raph.

In his room, Leo clutched his blankets closer to his body. 

  
  


Leo decided to get up. He didn’t know why, he had no reason to, but he found himself swinging his legs over the side and dragging himself up out of bed. The room was cold and he drew his blanket closer, like a cape, and shuffled across the rug by his bed before stepping off of it onto the bare floor. The stone was probably freezing, but he couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t feel anything as of late, his mind swirling sluggishly as he went to his door. There had been a crash and Mikey crying earlier, but now the lair was eerily quiet. 

“Hey,” His door opened just a crack, Leo muttered through the space, “How’s Mikey?” 

Raph had just softly closed the door to Mikey’s and perked up at the sound of Leo’s voice. The Snapper turned with a concerned expression on his face and he wore a fake, tired smile as a pathetic cover up. He walked over and sat down next to the door with a sigh, placing a tray on the floor. 

“He fell asleep, completely wore himself out.” Raph ran a hand over his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “I should probably change his wraps, but I’ll wait until he’s awake.”

Leo hummed momentarily to let Raph know he was listening, and sat down next to the door, his hand lazily holding onto the handle. 

“Raph?”

“Yeah?”

“How hurt is Mikey?” Leo looked up through the gap to see Raph grimace. “It’s bad, isn’t it?” 

Raph pulled his knees closer and glanced over at Leo. Raph’s eyes were tired and the gleam that usually shown so bright in them was dull. Leo could immediately tell he was overworked, but surprisingly he couldn’t feel any guilt for this and couldn’t even muster up the guilt for not feeling guilty.

“Yeah, I’m going to the mystic city tomorrow to try and find something to heal him.” Raph picked at the tips of his fingers, a nervous habit he’s had since they were kids. “Do you need me to get anything?”

“Nah.” Leo opened the door a bit more, before resting his whole weight against it. Of course, since the door was open, he slid to the floor with a dull thud and startled Raph in the process. “Actually, I think I might want some now-or-laters? The grape ones.”

“Those candies?” Raph asked, tilting his head to one side. “Sure, but I thought you hated them.”

“Yeah,” Leo whispered. “I do. But Donnie didn’t. He loved those stupid candies.” Leo chuckled, but it was a pained chuckle. His thoughts were starting to solidify as he continued to talk, letting his mind clear a path. “He’d always drag me to the shady convenience store by April’s apartment after movie night. I’d complain, even though I’d stock up on ring pops and monster while there.” His hands that were lying comfortably on his chest made small gestures, then he dropped them back down and his small smile faded into a frown. “Then, we just stopped going together. I think the last time we went together was about half a year ago.” Leo put his hands under his head and turned to look at Raph. “We talked about going again together last week. He told me; ‘maybe you’ll like the now-or-laters this time!’” Leo sighed and looked back at the ceiling, the coldness of the floor biting into his fingers. “Maybe I will.” 

Raph tapped his fingers over the wraps on his ankles, taking a deep breath. 

“Alright,” He said softly, “I’ll go get some.”

“Thanks.” 

Leo stared at the ceiling as an ache formed in his chest. When he came through the portal, ready to defeat Shredder, he didn’t remember how he felt when he saw Donnie’s body. No, he did remember, not how he was feeling, but what he wasn't. He didn’t feel anything, his brain had simply shut down and shut it out, refusing to believe it was true. He felt as if he was frozen in ice, numb and unable to think, but now the ice was cracking and he could feel again. Like sharing a completely meaningless memory had suddenly chiseled away the barrier that was stopping him from moving forward. The ache grew stronger and Raph leaned over to wipe a tear that had slipped from Leo’s eye, only to have another quickly take its place. 

“Goddammit,” Leo muttered, putting an arm over his eyes, blocking Raph from seeing his tears. “I miss Donnie. I’m never gonna see him again.” 

Leo inhaled deeply and then shuddered out an exhale. Leo was a quiet crier, he was the one that would fuss the least when he was a kid, always causing trouble some other way. Donnie was the crybaby, bursting into tears at every little inconvenience (Leo sometimes being said inconvenience). But here he was, crying on the floor, because of Donnie.

Ironic, wasn’t it? 

After a couple of minutes, the ache in Leo’s chest lightened, it was still there but it hurt less. He sat up, wiping his tears roughly with one hand as the other pulled the blanket back around his shoulders. It felt nice to talk again, it felt nice to _feel_ again. He didn’t know if it would travel over to tomorrow, but he hoped it would. He needed to stop feeling numb and needed to let himself go through the cycle of emotions, no matter how painful it would be.

“Raph?” Leo looked over at his older brother. “Can I ask you a favor?”

Raph smiled, a real smile, not the one he had used just a moment ago to comfort Leo. 

“Of course, what is it?”

“Can you pick me up and put me to bed?” Leo asked, returning the small smile and feeling slightly embarrassed at this silly request. “Like when we were kids?” 

Raph let out a breathy chuckle and rose, hand on knee. 

“I’d be happy to do that.” Raph bent down and picked up Leo, cradling him gently in his big arms. “Want me to sing as well?” 

Leo let out a single sharp laugh, wrapping the blanket closer around him.

“Yeah, go ahead.” Leo closed his eyes as Raph walked the short distance to his bed and set him down, pulling the sheets over him. He felt Raph place a hand on his head, remembering that he’d always take off his blue mask for Leo. He wasn’t wearing it at the moment, he hadn’t been wearing it for the past couple of days.

Maybe he’ll wear it tomorrow, get up, talk to Mikey. April was supposed to come over to look after Splinter and Mikey while Raph was out, maybe he’ll talk to her as well. 

Yeah, that’d be nice.

Leo started to drift off to sleep as Raph sang an old lullaby, the sound familiar and warm. He had nearly forgotten what it felt like to feel this level of safety. 

“Thanks, Raph. I love you.” He managed to say, words slurred together by drowsiness, before he gave into the gentle confines of sleep. He didn’t even catch the gentle ‘I love you, too’ Raph uttered back.

  
  



	2. Memories of a Coffee Shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another day has passed since Donnie’s death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I would try to keep a schedule by uploading once a week and here I am two weeks later. 
> 
> Well better late than never, am I right? 
> 
> I also slapped in an OC to help get some connections going. I’ll think you’ll find her... interesting.

April was glad she had decided to walk instead of taking the bus, the cold air hitting her cheeks distracting her thoughts. Her face flushed and throat dry from the cold, she swallowed. Letting out a slow exhale, she watched her breath hit the air and create a temporary fog. 

She knew this route by heart: from her apartment, down the street, past the library, second alley on the left. Her feet guided her across the concrete jungle as a flurry of black-feathered birds flew overhead. Their cries echoing against the tight line of buildings. 

The young woman stopped in front at a stop light, looked up at the sound of twittering, and wiping her beginning-to-run nose on her sleeve. Turning her gaze back to the street, she bounced on her heels as the sign shone a red handprint back at her. Then, her eyes wandered from the pale spring sky, over to the old bookshop diagonal from the intersection, and landed on an outdoor menu advertising the drinks for the small cafe there. She smiles as an idea forms in her head and she quickly changes her route. She lightly jogged across the street to reach the other side before the countdown finished.

April pushed against the familiar weight of the heavy wooden door, the scent of coffee beans and printed pages filling the air around her. The cafe was tucked away in a corner of the bookstore, with rich dark browns and golds melding together in an intoxicatingly welcome color scheme. It was warmer in the shop than it was outside, making April immediately reach up to pull her scarf down, her fingers tingling from the sudden difference in temperature. She quickly walked over to the cafe, the transition of carpet to tile making the clicks of her boots against the floor clear and loud.

“Hey, Mrs.J!” She said to the lady behind the counter. An older woman with grey hair twisted into a bun looked away from the espresso machine to give April a warm, wide smile.

“Hello, April.” She dusted her hands off, probably to get rid of some stray coffee grounds, and walked to the register. “You realize you don’t have to call me Mrs.J anymore, right? Jones or Chloe is fine.” 

“Yeah, I know. I just can’t bring myself to say it, it feels like calling my mom by her actual name.” 

Looking at her old camp counselor, April was brought back to the simpler times. Times when she would get stuck putting up a tent and Chloe would help her. Times when she fell out a canoe and Chloe would dive in and bring her back to the shore. Times when she would run into the camp stream, without a second thought, and get her foot cut on a rock, limping back to Chloe crying and Chloe would carry April around the rest of the trip. All of this was no problem for her. For an old lady, she was incredibly athletic and was a regular at the park's outdoor gym. 

Chloe gave April a tired smile of endearment, resetting the register.

“So, the usual?”

“Yes! And I’m getting four more drinks for my friends.” April stopped and stuttered over the last word, her heart sinking. “Um, m-make that three drinks actually.” 

“Oh?” Chloe cocked her head to the side and crossed her arms. “Did something happen? An argument?”

“Well, no. Not really.” April said slowly, averting her gaze. “Uh, I think I’d like a medium hot chocolate and mocha frappe, both with extra whip. Along with a large coffee, half milk and two sugars.”

Chloe nodded slowly, her eyebrows furrowed in concern, but she doesn't press for any more information as she rang up the order. 

“There’s some new plush keychains over in the fantasy section. If you find one you like, come back over here.” Chloe said, her tone soft. April looked up and returned her small smile, but the picking of her nails said otherwise. 

“Thanks, I’ll go check.” April stuffed her hands into the pockets of her coat, biting down lightly on her tongue.

_Maybe coming here was a bad idea._

It was a nice place and the drinks were good and the chairs were comfy and the atmosphere was cozy, but it was tinged with the memories of a certain purple clad turtle. The seat over by the window, where Donnie would draw lines through the dew on cold days like these and flick the stray water at her jokingly. The counter with the extra sugar packets and milk, where Donnie would grab one of the wooden stirrers that he’d later absentmindedly chew on because he’d be too tired to get up and throw it away. The heavy wooden door that he’d struggle to open and when he did, he’d bow dramatically to April with a flourish, both of them trying to contain their giggles. 

April shook her head, tearing her eyes away from the cafe. 

She pulled out her phone and looked through social media to find some of those weird ads for apps, desperate for a distraction. April had developed a little hobby of trying to find strange and bizarre ads for apps and downloading if the said ads were true to their supposed content. She screenshotted a post about what looked like an anime gacha game, but for some reason, the ‘lvl 1 childhood crush’ suddenly became a ‘lvl 90 demon overlord’.

She turned her attention to the rack of small plastic and fleece charms. She reaches out to squish a little bear's paw before something towards the bottom catches her eye. 

April crouches down, getting a better look at the blue sequined charm. 

She stops, her hand outstretched, realizing that it was in the shape of a sea turtle. Its black-beaded eyes shone in the fluorescent lighting and, without a mouth, looked back at April with a permanent look of surprise. 

“Cute.” April mumbled in a feeble attempt to move her mind elsewhere, but she couldn’t stop the overwhelming amount of memories this place was stained with. 

Donnie wasn’t a big fan of keychain charms, explaining that they were distracting and cluttered everything up. But she would see him swinging his key ring around, a plastic purple cat being jostled around right next to the keys. She remembered swinging the little cat in front of him, saying ‘You know you want it’ in a lightly taunting tone. She remembered him puffing his cheeks out before snatching it from her grip, sticking his tongue out and, for once, at a loss for words.

She swallowed hard and smiled at this bittersweet memory, rubbing at her misty eyes. She lightly took the turtle off of the rack and made her way back to the cafe.

Chloe was adding the finishing touches to the hot chocolate when she noticed April, placing the whipped cream to the side and grabbing a cup top.

“Found somethin’ ya like?” The older woman asked with a smile.

“Yep!” April returned her grin and held up the charm, sequins glittering blue and green.

“Oh, how adorable!” Chloe brought a hand to her cheek. “Here, I’ll get it for you.”

“Ah, there’s no need for that, Mrs.J!” The next moment, April’s hands were empty and the little turtle’s tag was already scanned. “Really now!”

Chloe simply chuckled and handed the charm back to April. 

“Please, my dear. It’s the least I can do for you.” She gave her old scout another smile, but with this one, her eyes crinkled with soft worry. “It reminds you of your friend that came in here with you, does it not?” 

April paused at this question, hand wrapped around the tiny plush.

“Yeah…” She said hesitantly, “yeah, it really does.”

“I won’t ask for any more details,” Chloe mentioned, putting her hands up as if literally taking the conversation away from the topic. “But I want you to know that I’m here. Alright?”

“Okay. Thanks, Mrs.J.”

“Ouch!” Mikey yelped, his eye squeezing shut in pain. “Careful with that gauze, Raph!”

“Ah, sorry about that.” Raph let his grip on the roll of sterilized cotton loosen, becoming hyper-aware of his hold on his little brother's head and exactly how tight the bandage was. 

“It’s alright,” Mikey mumbled back, looking back down at the floor, holding the blanket laid over his lap closer. 

After a few more minutes of Mikey sucking in breaths and Raph trying to make redressing the wounds as painless as possible, they were finally done. 

Mikey breathed out a sigh of relief, nearly letting himself flop back on the couch before stopping and remembering the huge gash in his shell. He leaned forward instead, resting his arms on his knees.

“Thanks, sorry I complained so much.” He didn’t even turn his head to look at Raph, probably finding it too exhausting. 

“That’s alright.” Raph smiled, despite the fact that no one but him knew it was there. “I was pretty clumsy today.” He stood and gathered all the medical supplies back into the tacklebox repurposed into a first aid kit, turning to leave. “Do you mind staying out here? I have some blankets set up over on the other couch and I thought that maybe it would be good for you to hang out with Pops.”

“Yeah,” Mikey stood, wincing at the movement, “I can do that.” 

He turned and headed to the den, leaving Raph standing alone in the doorframe to the hall. The snapper was still for a few seconds after Mikey was out of sight, before shuffling his way to the storage closet in the garage. 

Even as he opened the closet door, finding a soft avalanche of blankets to startle him into dropping the kit, he felt as if he wasn’t entirely there. He didn’t know if it was the shock of losing Donnie, the lack of sleep or the overflowing amount of worry he held in his chest, but something was holding him back. Something was stopping him from being present. 

He shook his head violently, pushing the blankets back onto the shelf and shoving the first aid kit under them. He shouldn’t think too much about it, it’ll start to mess with his head and nobody needed that. 

Raph didn’t know what was wrong with him lately. Why couldn't he focus on even the tiniest of tasks? He didn’t even think about what happened day to day. It felt too tedious, too constant, and too predictable. Wake up, make breakfast for everyone, check on Dad, check on Mikey, check on Leo, rinse and repeat with just different meals and slightly changing interactions with each of his family members. 

Hell, even today, when he’s going to visit the hidden city, he felt detached from everything, like he was copying things into a planner rather than carrying them out. He had been hiding his emotions so much recently, putting on a brave front so much, that he felt drained and distracted. 

He needed a release.

“Maybe I should go train.” Raph mumbled, his tone negative and tired. He noticed this and quickly swapped it out with some false positivity. “Yeah, training! I can do that while I wait for April!” 

Raph’s feet shuffled across the ground, guiding him to the garage where they stored the extra training dummies. He carefully pointed his gaze away from the Turtle Tank, staring down at the floor. He pulled one off a stack and set it up, not even bothering to have it face him as he got into a stance. 

He took a deep breath in and let it out, slowly starting to bounce. He pounded one fist into his hand before letting out a yell and hit the dummy with a clean cross punch. He kept going at this, using his right before switching to his left. As his muscle memory kicked in, his mind wondered. 

He thought back to that night, that night he couldn’t save Donnie. 

That night he failed. 

He couldn’t get there in time, all he could do was scream out Donnie’s name as four stripes of mystical energy beat down on his brother’s shell, feet numb to the cold concrete of the port as he ran forward. Raph’s mind was going simultaneously slower and faster than his body, activating his powers as he pushed Shredder away from his brothers and into the harbor. He didn’t even notice the armored fiend fritz away with a shriek, bright flashes of blue and pink lighting up the murky water, as he ran back to his brothers. He skidded to a stop, only to find that it was too late.

Raph’s thoughts were swirling around in his head, shouting that it was his fault, that he should’ve protected them, that he didn't deserve to be leader, that he had failed them. These thoughts punctuated each jab he landed on the training dummy, causing him to hit harder, aggressive and fast. 

The whispers kept up.

It was his fault that Donnie was dead, that Mikey was injured, that Leo was unable to even talk to him. It was his responsibility to look after them, he was the leader, he was the big brother, he was the one that his brothers counted on. 

He failed them.

He yelled and punched the head clean off the dummy, but his sudden burst quickly turned to cries. He sobbed and gripped the cloth that hung over the dummy’s wooden frame, his teeth grit so tightly together that his gums hurt. He punched it again, weakly, before letting himself slide to the floor. 

“Dammit…” He squeezed out, voice cracking as he tried to suck air back into his lungs only to have it ripped out by the torrent of sobs. He ran his hands over his head and if he had any hair, he probably would have grabbed it in frustration. Instead, he jerked his mask off and gripped it tightly in his fist. 

_I don’t deserve to be part of the team. I don’t deserve to wear this._

With another piercing yell, he threw the bandana as hard as he could. He wished it would go farther, that it would hit the wall across the garage, that it would make a satisfying slap against the concrete. But it didn’t. It floated in the air for a second before it dropped down a few feet 

away, making no noise against the pavement. 

Raph’s breath hitched and his throat was painfully raw as he dropped his head, hitting himself hard on the thighs, ignoring the blunt pain it had caused. All he could think of was how ashamed he was and how much it hurt. 

Everything hurt. 

So, so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats! It’s the end of chapter 2
> 
> This chapter is a bit shorter than the first one, but hopefully the next one will not only be longer but on time!
> 
> I really enjoyed the details I put towards the end and I hope you did as well. 
> 
> Once again, HUGE thank you to Disco for editing for me, she is a godsend. 
> 
> Also, if you want updates on the fic along with sketch’s and WIP snippets, check out my Tumblr (EC-makes-stuff) and Twitter (idiot_brave)!

**Author's Note:**

> AO3 was being wonky with me when I tried to upload this so hopefully it turns out alright!
> 
> Huge thanks to my dear friend Boo-that-ghost for motivating me and huge HUGE thanks to bi-panic-at-the-disco for looking over this and making excellent edits!
> 
> Please leave a comment and kudos! These help motivate me to write more.


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